I remember a time when life in it's entire existence, was all about ME. It was my single days, my pre-motherhood days. My biggest worries were what could I do next that I would enjoy, that would be good for me! I didn't hesitate to spend money on myself or spend my time doing something that I wanted to do.
But when I said the words "I do" and VERY shortly thereafter discovered the + on that pee-stick, I lost myself. Everything became about what was important for my child and my husband. I have put my sons needs first and I have tried very hard to put my husband's needs second after that. I don't ask for time for myself to leave the house and go do something I enjoy. I leave the house alone to go to medical appts; that's about it.
Well recently I started to feel the weight of this selflessness pressing down on me. I spent more days sad than happy; I cried all the time, I couldn't see the point to getting out of bed or off the couch; I snapped at my son and husband all the time and I counted the minutes til he went to bed each night to just enjoy the silence. I was turning into a bad mother and a bad wife.
I had to take a step back and realize that to be the best mother I could be for my child and the best loving and thoughtful wife for my husband, I had to nurture myself. I had been going along thinking that it was selfish to take time for myself when I am home all day with my son when my husband has to drag himself out of bed early, fight rush hour traffic, and sit at a boring desk all day; how could I then abandon him with a tantrum throwing toddler and rush out the door to do something fun. Well I have to, on occasion, or the banshee he comes home to is probably scarier than the few hours alone with his sometimes difficult toddler.
I have to find something that has nothing to do with being a wife or mother; it's just about me and my interests. Something fun that nurtures my soul so I can return home with a smile and take better care of my family.
Today I DID IT!!! I enrolled in 2 photography classes at a local college that start in May. I have always wanted to learn more about photography and take some cool scenery/wildlife shots as well as capture my family moments clearer/more creatively. Now I am going to do it! I am so excited and I hope this recharges my batteries and gives me a sense of happiness again to drown out the hopelessness!
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Big congrats to you Kelly! Believe me I feel the same way you do. Every so often I get out to all day scrap booking workshops and this is me time that I get.I sure enjoy it but I feel guilty leaving my Hubby with the kids all day long. But you know what? It is good for the Hubby and the kids to have some alone time. And my kids love it! Us Mom's need to get out every so often or we will loose our minds. You need to become a person again and think about yourself every know and then. With out you where would your kids and Hubby be?? Enjoy your well deserved class and congrats!
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with your post! There are days when I want to run screaming away from it all and then I feel bad for feeling that way. After all it was my choice that I wanted to stay at home and not leave my son in daycare, wasn't it? However it does get a bit too much! And I am learning to slowly make my pleasure a priority instead of being one unhappy mean tempered mama. :-)
ReplyDeleteHope you enjoy your photography lessons!